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[03/09/09 - 6:03pm] remember I kept thinking that I know you never would And now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could Everyone's caught on to everything you do Everyone's caught on to... As if it happening wasn't enough I got to go and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked Ignore the sun, covers over my head Wrote a message on my pillow that says "Jesse, stay asleep in bed" Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!) Search your cell for something which to hang yourself They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to Hell! Everyone's caught on to everything you do Everyone's caught on to... Everyone's caught on to (and I can't let you let me down again) everything you do Everyone's caught on to... (and I can't let you let me down again) So is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids Have another drink and drive yourself home I hope there's ice on all the roads And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back So let's end this call and end this conversation And is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you say "best friends" means friends forever add

[09/08/08 - 12:39am] she won all three britney won all three vma's i am beyond happy right now the fact that i got written up again on friday doesn't even phase me she won she won she won <3333333 1 | add

[06/23/08 - 5:38pm] ahahahhahah i was really rude to neil last night for various reasons and he just threw molly's dog toy in my general direction, missing me by a little deliberate it's on add

[06/23/08 - 12:49am] last night was more fun than i can even begin to explain. i got to see everyone and it was so nice to be with everyone and be happy. i wish bj's mom were away more often...of course my mom stayed in new hampshire/maine last night. oh well, hopefully she'll do it again soon. today was okay. i had to get up wicked early, and i obviously went to bed super late. i did not spend one dollar in the city. kelly and sam came so i didn't feel like i could really shop. the cirque du soleil show was kind of lame, my aunt was pretty much the only one who enjoyed it. also, kelly and sam were AWFUL the whole train ride home. it was a decent day but never again. well, let's just say i am pretty over feeling like i have to prove myself to people. i rarely do feel that way anymore, but tonight was an exception. i'm finished with worrying about my friends who don't include me or don't call me, and i'm going to start focusing on the ones who do. apparently it isn't good enough that i don't mind doing nothing sometimes or would rather just sit around with a few close friends instead of a group of awkward acquaintances (if you could even go so far as to call them that). i plan to make a few real attempts in the next couple of weeks to hang out with some of my more distanced friends, mainly the "five", and see what happens. if they're too busy with the really cool 07 boys, then that's it. you can all call me when you're hanging out with people who don't have competitions over who got the lowest gpa. meanwhile, i have a lot to do this week. actually, i really do. the end of my first online class is coming up so i have to prepare for the final and work on the mid-term, not to mention the usual weekly assignments. monday (today) is gone because i'll be doing a paper for class, baking for sean, and cleaning what i can; i'll be at his house later since it is his birthday. tuesday i have ORIENTATION at noon and after that i have to come home to prepare for the big birthday celebration. that kills tuesday and most of wednesday as we will hopefully be beaching. wednesday night i have reserved for celia. thursday during the day i'll need to do class stuff, and i am on a mission to clean out my bathroom closet, the dresser full of old purses, and old clothes. thursday night is HOPEFULLY jenn and some others. friday day will be jenn and maybe some entrpreneurship. friday night will be anything since sean is going to see pearl jam (oh cool). this weekend i need to move all of my shit, all of it, out of my room so i can get a sweeeeet new carpet. throw in some possible gyming, tanning, b&n times, calling lis and adrienne, whatever forever 21 says, and anything else i am forgetting. i'll need to refer back to this all week so i can remember. RING OUT FRIDAY. add

[06/19/08 - 9:10pm] my mom has a friend who was over last night, who used to work for salem, who is also friends with sean's mom. they told this woman and her husband today that he has 6-12 weeks to live. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? my mom has close to the same look on her face as she did with my grandpa. a couple nights ago she said she had a breakdown because when she was watching the celtics and they had a really good play, she picked up the phone to call my grandpa. and i found an old note in my car from easter that my mom wrote to me saying she was going to get him. i left it there when i threw everything else out. i always thought the kelly clarkson song "sober" was about a relationship, it probably was. but i look at it in a different way, and come july 24th, it will have more meaning. And I don't know This could break my heart or save me Nothing's real Until you let go completely So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving So here I go with all my fears weighing on me --- Three months and I'm still breathing Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know It's never really over, no --- Three months and I'm still standing here Three months and I'm getting better yeah Three months and I still am --- Three months and it's still harder now Three months I've been living here without you now Three months yeah, three months --- Three months and I'm still breathing Three months and I still remember it "looking up" i seem to have jinxed myself now pam and i are having a huge conversation about death i want sean to be here i have come to the conclusion that i am really heartbroken over this. i don't want to keep talking about it, but when someone asks i will talk for as long as they will listen. and i always find different wording on here, or something to further my sadness. maybe this is a good time for create. i've been thinking a lot about that lately. add

[06/18/08 - 5:02pm] might i add that things are really looking up add

[06/18/08 - 5:01pm] YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS orientation on tuesday at 12 for my job at forever 21 i am BEYOND relieved add

[06/18/08 - 1:52pm] i didn't end up going to ashley's party, maybe for my own good. everything with the jubilee is okay. i can genuinely say that last night was fantastic. when we were driving around looking for a parking spot, i saw ace enders walking down the street. i was standing next to him for the entire danger radio set debating if i wanted to talk to him; he looked kind of awkward. powerspace was fun. after danger radio, ace played. i expected him to be nothing short of amazing, but he really exceeded my expectations. after that i decided i wanted to talk to him. at this point, of course, so did a million other people. i just told him that the TEN song "never coming back" really has helped me in the past couple months, i was going to go download the album, and he put on a great show. he looked so happy to hear everything i told him and it was cute. we took a picture, which of course came out gross, but i put it on facebook anyway. ciwwaf came on and we stayed for a few songs, but i was over it at that point. i had gotten more out of the night than i expected to, so i was happy. the ciwwaf singer is really one of those people that is so creepy looking but you can't stop staring at him. i slept at sean's after. came home early to get my car fixed. my mom and i went to pick up food at sweet basil, and aly, ash, and aunt deedee were there. then of course we got into a fight on the way home. i proved my point though and she didn't say anything else once i did. God, i just want new clothes. add

[06/15/08 - 1:27am] well today was difficult. it was rose's birthday, and i had to deal with what is perhaps one of the most annoying group of people to exist - my aunt gayle's family. i immediately got hair comments from her brother (in-law?) who thinks it's cool to say whatever he wants. then my aunt kathy and all of them had to leave because the jubilee flipped over in the lake right behind their house. i think a few people died; i'm scared to find everything out tomorrow. by the end of the day i was snapping at all of my aunt gayle's snotty friends and relatives. i had to listen to three people ask my grandma how she is in the span of 15 minutes. i never want to hear her talk about it, and i had to three times. she talked about being sad and never getting over it. the minute i saw her when i got there i was depressed. and then my aunt's father came in the door...for a second i only saw his cane and rose yelled, "grandpa!" you can guess what i thought for a split-second. my aunt gayle's mom turned around and said to me, "i'm glad to see your grandmother is doing well. it's sad what happened but i think he depressed her." i got really upset that she said that, and without thinking, i practically yelled WHY in her face. she said because he was sick, etc. well, obviously that depressed her. but i guess no one thinks i'm sad about it either. and tomorrow is father's day. we're all going to be together again, for ashley's birthday. so convenient that all of their birthdays fall right around now; aly, lauren, mitchell, and tommy in the coming week, too. i'm sure we'll be together again once more. sam's birthday is july 5th. seeing my grandma brought me right back to where i was when it all happened. i tried to talk to her a lot but she doesn't understand half of what i'm talking about; she thought i did my online class through the tv. it felt like no one ever died until my grandpa. and now i feel like a ton of people are dying. 1 | add

[06/13/08 - 10:13pm] beached yesterday..it was nice, but i have concluded that i hate being at the beach for more than an hour and a half. which sucks, because it takes an hour to get there. i just opened my phone to see that care called around 9. i'm not sure what to do about her. i was never a fan of her apologies..."i'm sorry" until she felt you kind of forgave her, which in my case is about 20 of them. and then babbling on about her life for however long i am willing to listen. at this point, the only reason i would call back is for the sole purpose of being nosey; everyone around here is dying to know what's going on. but that would make her think i forgive her thinking that her family's issues are more important than a death in my family. i know she's going through a lot, but still, no one died. i am trying desperately to rid myself of the people who bring me down but sometimes i think it's impossible to get away. as far as care goes, she pops up at the most random and sometimes worst times. she won't call for a few months and when she finally does, "oh, i missed you, why haven't you called?" well, maybe i have, but your phone is always dead because you don't remember to do a damn thing. and what makes it worse is that last time she called, two and half weeks after my grandpa died, she tried to yelll at me for being annoyed. first of all, in all the years we have been friends, you would think she would know by now not to try that with me of all people. and second of all, how many times can i say it? apparently not enough to her, but my grandpa died. and your whole family was at the wake..even your mom, and she didn't even come with her own family for God knows what reasons. but she was still there, and as much as my mom and all of those other women hate care's mom, she still came (though i'm still unsure of what the extent is that care's mom knows how much everyone hates her). care has always been one of those friends who i hate half the time. when we were younger, it was because she was more outgoing and got whatever she wanted. when we were older, it was because she was a whore and got me involved with all those psycho boyfriends (JOSH). now, she's just dragging me in further to some problems that could easily be solved (leave your disgusting "fiancee"). i don't want to hear about it if you're not doing anything other than cry. you don't think there is anything you can do, but there is always a way out. add

[06/10/08 - 4:14pm] tickets came in. i need to get a job. i need some money. lately, my main form of entertainment has been my favorite childhood video games. pokemon, the sims, and i'm sure eventually harry potter. add

[06/05/08 - 4:49pm] last night i was in sean's basement. it was the first time i had been down there since we started dating two years ago. as if that didn't make me nostalgic enough, i then saw a huge painting that used to be my grandparent's that my mom gave to sean for his parents when she needed to get rid of it. i was a little drunk, and at first i stared at it thinking, "oh i have seen one like this so many times." well actually..maybe i said that. and sean said something along the lines of "duh," and i remembered. but he was going back upstairs to keep the chaos at a minimum and i didn't have time to stand and stare at it. it was also weird that almost all of the girls there were still in high school, or i guess just graduated. two holy cross girls came up to lauren and i and said, "oh my God, we've been high school graduates for almost a week!" i think i laughed in their faces. the way they were reminded me of my drunk high school self..sometimes, but not as often, my drunk college self: overly friendly and the complete opposite of what they are sober. they only started talking to us because i told one of them i liked her shirt, which i was sincere about, it was a really cool shirt. she could have, of course, done so much more with the outfit but that's beside the point. i wasn't attempting a full conversation, just telling her, but i was glad to let them know i wasn't in high school. they talked differently once they knew. such big groups of stoners in one place really disturbs me. a lot of the people i didn't know much about, but wanted to know more, lauren gave me all of the details. i love her. everything i said she agreed with, and the other way around. i'm kind of glad i didn't bring anyone last night because it gave me the opportunity to get to know her better. and she told me everything about everyone. matt and tony were there. weird. tonight is the last night. big things, big things. add

[05/31/08 - 4:52pm] well last night i did...nothing. until 11 o'clock when i was bombarded with visitors. celia, nick, steve, bj, brian, and john...and jenn via vid chat. sean came around 1 and i blacked out a few hours later. i don't know why i keep blacking out but it is NOT good. and of course this coming week will definitely be drunk times and i don't know what i'm going to do. it isn't even like i drink that much. lately this blacking out has been after two or three drinks that were slowly consumed. ahh. this is so not good, i wish i liked pot. i thinkkk that maybe it's time for a new journal. a private one. add

[05/30/08 - 8:56pm] just bought tickets for jenn and i for the jack's/paramore show oh my God, i can't wait. i am going to cry SO MUCH add

[05/30/08 - 12:24am] my TEETH hurt, what the hell add

[05/29/08 - 1:05pm] well i got a 3.7 for the semester; 4 A's and 2 B's. i am impressedd with myself, mostly for the fact that two of my A's came from both of the political science classes. go me :) i hate fighting with sean. but i love after fighting with him, because we realize how much we don't want to fight and he's so cute. love. yesterday when we went to friendly's these two little girls were absolutely in love with me. it was adorable. alright maybe i should get a job now. add

[05/26/08 - 10:01pm] well, waiting for sean. the usual. i've done two myspace surveys today, which is so weird...i never do those anymore. i miss when myspace was cool. i have to make plans this week with...leila, caity, lauren, tricia, my cousins, and sam carrington. i haven't seen any of them yet. i have to apply to hot topic and see about forever 21. i have to take a drive up to unh to visit britt and get my books. i have to keep up with my class. i want to have a barbeque. a sober one. my mom is convinced people will try to drink...i was thinking as the night goes on maybe we could start drinking once inside. i don't know who will be down with that, though. i am all for a night of sobriety but i don't think anyone else will be. whatever, i am going to be fucked beyond belief when sean's parents are gone and i am bringing everyone with me. i have to remember to find out what night is the jungle juice night and be sure to invite katie i. i also have to remember to get my new ring...i think may 30th is the date to come out. sorry if that's tmi. add

[05/25/08 - 2:21am] once again, staring at my grandpa's obituary. and i searched him on google; all i could find were a million things about my uncle, including his stupid website. it's all about running and real-estate...cooooooool, uncle tom, so cool. i got out of bed because, for the first time in years, i remembered a game my grandpa taught me to play on the computer. it was the pc game, rodent's revenge, and i used to sit in his office for hours and play. i tried to download it but it wouldn't work on my mac. i can't believe i'm STILL as affected by this as i was a month ago when it happened. when i found out, an hour or so after he died. when i saw my grandma first thing, and she was commenting on the grass. when i went back to school. when i sat in my room by myself and cried when i listened to the early november song. when i went to southern, and sean brought me home again. i went back to school, to music lab, to lunch with kev, and back home. when we made the posters. when we had the wake. when i watched my mom and grandma cry over him. when they put two dollar bills in his hands. when over a thousand people came. when everyone was here after. when my uncle tom left, said, "love you all!" and my mom and uncle pat just said, "bye." and judy said, "LOVE YOU, TOM." when we had the rest of the wake. when i was in the last group to say goodbye, with my grandma. when we watched them load the casket. the mass, where father hinkley bullshitted everything he said but it was still nice. my mom's eulogy. the golf club after. and then everything being over. and i still remember the feeling of saying, "my grandpa died this morning." that was the most morbid feeling i had ever had, for obvious reasons. my biggest regret will, for the rest of my life, not having seen him for the past five or six years. ever since 8th grade ended, i stopped seeing them regularly. and then they both started to get sick, ever since my grandma fell that last time they were in florida. and then when they moved to the village and we moved from that house i loved beyond belief, to here. i never called, except the time to say i got my license..which never made me want to call again because he always thought i had no idea it was him. whenever he would call, i would say, "hello?" "hi katie!" "hi grandpa" "it's grandpa" "i know" "where's mommy?" "i have no idea, out somewhere. try her on the cell?" "okay, can you tell her i called?" "yes, i will" "okay thanks katie." he usually ended my name like it was a question. he probably knew i hated to be called katie. it's too fucking late for this. add

[05/24/08 - 4:03pm] i'm so bored and there are a million things i should be doing but i'm not. my head is pounding and i just want to go back to sleep. or be with someone, but everyone is busy; tonight everyone will be getting drunk with the ultimate tools of waterbury, so i'll probably pass. i have to get a job, i have to do my paper, i have to get my textbooks, i have to CLEAN, i have to wash my sheets and my towels. i want to read, i want to write, i want to practice. i want to go shopping and i want my mom to be in a good mood. it's been a month since my grandpa died...i want to see my family. GOD i need to do something. still, i would rather this than school. even though spiders are not in my bed at school. yuck. add

[05/24/08 - 1:23pm] "kait, neil doesn't feel good (WELL) and he's going to lay down. so don't blare the music." she came all the way downstairs to tell me this. add

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